Week 25 Weigh-In

All that shoveling last week paid off! And the walking… and the yoga-ing (Thanks, to Amanda over at Getting Fit for 30!)… and well, you get the point!

  • Starting Weight: 353.4 lbs
  • Last Week: 273.8 lbs
  • Current Week: 271.4 lbs
  • This week’s change: -2.4 lbs
  • Change overall: -82.0 lbs!

So, I’ve passed the 80-pound mark, which is monumental. AND next week marks half a year since I started on this journey.

But I want to talk about something a little more substantial. So much of the time, I have been feeling really great, but lately, there’s been something else. One day last week, I was out shoveling my sidewalk, and there was a group of teenagers playing basketball in the alley behind my house. I don’t even know that it was directed at me or if she was heckling her friend while they were playing, but one of the girls yelled, “Big Booty Judy!” and I immediately felt like I had a target on back. I guess I would know if it was directed at me had I been able to make eye contact. I know I can’t be tied up in the number on the scale, but I also know that yeah, I’m still very large. While I know I shouldn’t put any stock in the words of a teenager, I just feel so many things related to this experience: uncomfortable, failure, sad, pathetic, torn, guilty.

So, my question is this: When does this part stop? I’ve lost 80 pounds. When do I stop being so affected by the negative opinions of others in regards to my weight? I’ve worked so hard. I know it’s still early in my journey, but how much longer do I need to work through this? More importantly, what do I do to work through this? I feel like I’m constantly giving myself pep talks, and I avoid negative self-talk.

I know I’ve briefly touched on self esteem before. In general, I have excellent self-esteem. I know that I am pretty and smart, and what I weigh doesn’t usually affect that. Every so often, though, that doubt creeps in. The I’m-not-worthwhile feeling. It infuriates me that these feelings can show up just because of one remark from a stranger… and I’m not even sure that remark was directed at me!

Do you have any advice? How was your week?

25 thoughts on “Week 25 Weigh-In

  1. Ugh, that’s the worst. A few years ago I was out riding bikes with my bestie and her husband, and some kids driving by were yelling about my giant behind. I can’t remember the exact words (blocked it out) but oh man, that sucked! And I was probably 40 pounds lighter than I am right now. Plus, I was exercising! Yell at me when I’m on the side of a road shoveling down pizza. BFF’s husband took off on the bike to yell at them because he’s crazy, but it did put a damper in my day.

    I know you already know this, but they’re insecure little idiots and just trying to pump themselves up by putting someone else down. You’re getting healthy and you’re strong and they’re little punks. You’re human, so don’t beat yourself up for having feelings every now and again.

    Liked by 3 people

    • This is exactly what I needed to read today! This has been bothering me for days, so I’m glad I finally took the plunge and posted.

      The thing is, the few times I have been publicly heckled by strangers, it was after I had lost some weight! And usually when I’ve been out doing something active. You’re absolutely right – I’m awesome, and I’m working on becoming more awesome!

      PS- you’re pretty awesome too 😉

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Before I lost weight I was once called “tits” by a teenage boy. And I am a DUDE. Talk about humiliating. I know your pain.

    It stops matter in to you what they think the moment YOU decide it doesn’t matter. No one can make you feel bad without your permission. Love who you are and to hell with anyone else’s opinion.

    I happen to think you are a beautiful person.

    Like

  3. Dear sweet precious Adorable Allison,

    I’m so sorry that those horrible rude , no home training, kids hurt you and robbed you of the joy of your victory.
    I want to get real angry and just say a lot of mean nasty things about them. But no that would put us in their level and we are better than that.

    You are so cute and adorable. Now 80 pounds gone. Wow! What an amazing accomplishment. Be proud of who you are and how far you have come. Girl you are victorious and strong. God made you beautiful and sees you as perfect.
    How much more to goal? I’m amazed, this is such an amazing accomplishment. You are being used so much to encourage the rest of us. Keep going forward helping to lead the rest of us to victory right behind you.

    I’m so glad you wrote about this. It’s a shame that some people have to cut down others in order to build themselves up.
    But you are success. You have accomplished a major victory. Put on some music and dance to celebrate your victory.

    Ps. Make sure to have your phone on you so it will count your steps . LOL!
    But know this you are beautiful with beautiful character and that’s more than those bratty kids can say. They are just showing their lack of illtelligence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Deborah, I took your advice and DANCED! I thought it was about 10 or 15 minutes, but when I stopped and looked, I had been at it for 45 minutes! So then I decided to go for a little while longer to make it an even hour 🙂 And yes, I did hit that step goal mid-dance!

      Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind words. You have a great gift for making people feel loved and important, and I’m so glad I’ve had the opportunity to connect with you!

      And as for my goal, I still don’t have a set goal in mind. I’m only 5’1″, so I really “shouldn’t” weigh more than about 133 pounds. I haven’t weighed 133 pounds since about 5th grade, so I don’t know how I’ll feel about it until I get more into the ballpark. Right now, I’m focusing on getting under 250, then under 230 (which is my lowest adult weight, and I have some sort of mental block about it). After that, then we’ll see!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so glad you danced for joy, Wow! Rachel, at least you can remember weighing 133, I have no memory of that number. Maybe it’s old age, LOL! Thank you so much for your kind words, you made my night! But remember, you are , I repeat ARE the cutest thing I have seen on the Enet.

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  4. Good for you! So glad you have been enjoying the yoga!

    I can totally identify with you on the other thing — I would react the exact same way. At least for me, I know that comes from a life of always being the chubby girl. My sensitivity to weight-related comments is definitely heightened. I don’t know what the solution is to not letting those kinds of things get to me, but I do know that my “fat girl” mentality will probably still be with me, even after I reach my goal weight. After all, I have spent a lifetime developing it!

    Hope you have a wonderful week! Stay warm!

    Liked by 1 person

    • The funny thing about the yoga is that I’ve never followed yoga before that spent so much time on your knees as Adriene does the first two days! My knees are super bruised, haha! I can downward dog and plank with the best of them, but you want me to kneel? Come on :-p

      I think you raise a good point here, too. There’s a lifetime of shame drilled into us from always being the chubby ones. I know that I am especially sensitive to comments about my rather large posterior! I don’t feel that I am a person who is easily offended otherwise, but if someone says something that could possibly be about my butt… well, then I’m sad. I’d like to work through some positive body image exercises and come up with a means to get the mind to catch up with the body. I’ll have to think about it.

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  5. Do we live in the same neighborhood? There are some rude kids like that in my neighborhood, too. Ignore them. You were in the midst of doing a good thing that you should feel wonderful about. Shoveling is one of my favorite exercises. I always had big losses last year when it snowed!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! I am so very proud of you and so happy for you! 82 POUNDS GONE! That is so amazing! Thanks for being an inspiration. Seriously!

    You continue to put more pounds between us with your weigh-ins! I’m still up at 274.2 lbs! I’ve got some catching up to do! 😉

    I can’t believe that I didn’t read this earlier BEFORE we talked. This same nonsense, as you know, happened to ME today! What in the world is wrong with kids/teenagers? Does anyone teach their kids any shred of respect these days? I don’t get it.

    I was teased so badly for the majority of my life, so I guess it’s always been an issue of ‘Why?’ for me. I’ve never, ever understood why people go out of their way to hurt others. Am I perfect? NO. However, there’s not been one time in my entire life that I went out of my way to say something mean or hateful. What in the world does that do for you? Why would anyone ever feel joy at seeing someone else hurt or upset?

    It’s beyond me, sincerely.

    The one other time I remember teenagers saying something to me was when I was a real young kid — maybe 10 or so. I was riding my bike on a neighborhood bike path, and there was a group of teenage boys sitting on the bike path fence. As I rode my bike past, they yelled out, “RIDE FATTY!” as loud as they could before erupting in laughter. I peddled as fast as I could home. I was so embarrassed.

    Today, though, I just kept going. I didn’t let those stupid teenagers deter me. That’s a victory. The fact that you’ve also kept going with your journey is a victory, too. I talked to you earlier today. You told me you were out shoveling… you didn’t let that stupid comment prevent you from going back outside or dancing or walking or whatever. You’ve kept going, and that’s a major victory. I’m proud of you!

    I think it’s always going to be hard for all of us. Right now, I can’t even imagine what skinny feels like. However, I’m sure that I’ll be just as self-conscious at 160 lbs. as I was at 319 lbs. When you spend your whole life being the resident fat girl, dropping the pounds doesn’t magically take all of those feelings away.

    I used to watch that show “Too Fat For Fifteen” on the Style network, and I remember that one of the girls, Rachel, said something like, “That saying ‘sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you’ isn’t true because words are sometimes like a scar on your heart.” That’s always stuck with me. We’ve all got scars on our hearts from the nasty comments, so I think, in some ways, we’ll always be more susceptible to the negative ramifications of taunting.

    It sucks, but it’ll be OK! We’ve just got to keep pressing on! ❤

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  7. First of all, congratulations on hitting the 80lbs gone! That’s amazing, you should try lifting an 80lbs weight and imagine that used to be on you, with every step you took weighing down on you. It gives a real nice perspective as to what you really have lost, or in this case, gained in your life.

    Is big booty judy an insult? Considering the media constantly adores and glamorizes shapely behinds, perhaps it was an underhanded compliment for a shapely rear, or maybe her favorite song just came on the iphone and she couldn’t help but yell it out loud. It’s funny, but that’s how I react to everything like that, I don’t see insults as insults anymore…

    I’ve been teased ever since I was little, well, let’s be honest, I never was little… in kindergarten I used to give piggyback rides to 3rd graders. I have rosacea on my cheeks and keratosis pilaris skin elsewhere to match my morbid obesity. I’m 6’2 and at my heaviest I was over 370lbs – with bright red cheeks and red bumps on pale skin.

    You can only imagine the imaginative insults I’ve heard throughout my 27 years of existence. Like some of these people should be fiction writers, they were that creative.

    But you know what? I could let them define me, or I could let myself define me, I prefer the latter. As Gloria Gaynor would say, I am what I am, I am my own special creation.

    This life is mine, this body I have is mine. Not theirs. I keep my head held high and a smile on my lips through everything.

    As years have passed I’ve become able to channel everything mean said to me into strength within. No words can harm me anymore, they will only push me forward.

    My ‘internet support group’ is a very peculiar set of random individuals where I can get quite a varied set of response to my progress pictures. Anywhere from “Good job!” to “Kill yourself fatty, you’re never going to make it!” – and both of those will make me want to work harder.

    Just go in front of a mirror and chant Bloody Mary …. err, no, chant “I can do this! I am strong! I am worth it! I will make it!”. Also, your mind will follow your body when it comes to confidence, so don’t cover yourself up with your hands when you sit, don’t cross your legs – radiate dominance with your back straight and eyes forward with a smile. You’ll soon notice that your mind has started to think that way as well, if your body is in confident positions, your mind follows. Fake it till you make it 🙂

    So sorry for the horribly lengthy comment!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well put. You have a gift for this, and that gift came to you from the school of hard knocks.

      I don’t read all the comments on your blog, and I assume you deleted it, but “Kill yourself fatty” is just inexcusable. What an ass.

      Liked by 1 person

      • oh wordpress isn’t the site I was talking about here for suure, in here everyone is nice, loving and full on supportive in the kindest of ways. Many going through the same struggle as myself 🙂

        I actually thought it was really funny, and by far some of the mildest ones I’ve heard from my ‘support group’ 😛

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Congrats on your wonderful progress! You are doing so great!

    It’s a shame that people who don’t even know you at all feel like they have the right to make a comment about your appearance. They don’t know your story – they don’t know that you’ve lost over 80 lbs. You are doing such a great job. Consider the source, in my opinion. They don’t know you. They don’t get to have an opinion about you.

    I am so glad that you’re still motivated after half a year and I look forward to following a long with you as you continue to progress 🙂

    Amber

    Like

  9. First of all, I’m loving the new page design!!

    Second of all, this might not be a popular opinion (and, as always, I could be completely wrong) but I feel like those feelings are something that are never going to be entirely gone.

    Every human being on this planet has feelings of inadequacy, and moments of shame, no matter what their size. It’s human. I think we should be doing what we can to minimize those feelings as much as possible, but getting frustrated that they exist and will pop up sometimes – that is counter to the intended result.

    I think maybe a shift in the way we view the problem might help. I think the better goal is to keep loving yourself more (I like the affirmation idea), not to rid yourself of the negative stuff. The negative stuff will never be completely gone, you can never fully win that battle, so it is a vicious circle.

    You feel bad, and then feel bad for feeling bad, etc.

    Concentrate on the good stuff and the bad will get smaller and smaller along with the rest of you.

    I don’t know, sounds good, right? Excuse me while I attempt to go take my own advice 🙂

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  10. I’m so behind on the reading but I’m finally catching up with you! As you know, I’ve dealt with these things recently too. You have to remember that people are going to be harsh and down right mean no matter how far you’ve come. You can’t let them define you. There are so many people who love you and who are so proud of you. What’s most important is that you’re proud of yourself. Keep your head up and keep pushing. You’re absolutely amazing and a complete inspiration to me.

    Like

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